Popular jokes (5251 to 5265)

I used to have a bad...

“I used to have a bad record with soap, but now my slate is clean.”

Sometimes we need to forget

Sometimes we need to forget some people from our past because of one simple reason: They just don't belong to our future.

Love vs Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a long, hot ride.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothings in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

Chuck Norris can speak braille...

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

On his first day of classes at...

On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance."

April Fool's Day - Suggestions

1. Put marbles in the hubcaps of someone’s car.
2. Leave cryptic notes warning someone of an impending prank then do nothing all day.
3. Rubber band the sprayer on the kitchen sink into the “on” position.
4. Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is using it all day.
5. Pour vegetable oil on the exhaust of someone’s car so it will smoke when started up.

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.  

Marriage Lottery

"Do you believe marriage is a lottery?"
"No... it's not. In a lottery, a man is supposed to have a chance."

Late night phone calls were a

Late night phone calls were a part of my up ringing.

The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive Advertising

Jason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads.

Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising

Bowling again!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

A friend tried to ma...

“A friend tried to make me say animal puns today but I thought they were boaring.”

Finally getting married

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"