Popular jokes (5266 to 5280)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Someday
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
One of them said, "So will you."
Second Honeymoon
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.""Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Scary Collection 07
A witch jokeWhy did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!
A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!
A ghost joke
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!
A vampire joke
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!
A witch joke
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!
A Halloween joke
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!
A witch joke
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!
One night a teenage girl broug...
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive Advertising
Jason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads. Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising
A little girl asked her father...
A little girl asked her father: "How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers."
Man and wife in heaven....
A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."
St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"
"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
An Irishman is walking along t...
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."
Arj Barker: 4th of July
I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world? A mother's dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into 'get a sponge.'
After eight days of backpackin...
After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used
Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms. Baseball bat
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
Two men are standing at the to
Two men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies, one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun.The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too.
As the second guy falls the & parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.
They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, "I really don't see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!"
The second guy lets out a groan and says, "I'm really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!"
