Popular jokes (5266 to 5280)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Q. Why is it so hard for women...
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Sister Mary Ann
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."
That seat is reserved
A man on the train said: "That seat is reserved." I said: "Well, it's been very forward with me." Pulled up my pants and went on my way.
Lou Sanders
Picture: BBC
Ted Alexandro: Personal Trainer
My sisters a personal trainer. Thats a tough job. I dont think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. Can you help me define my abs? Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous. 
Shoe-recycling shop
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.
It was sole-destroying
Author: Alex Horne, Joke was second on August 2013 on Fringe’s best one-liner prize
A Dollar for Sunday School
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. "I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
Philip was enjoying the second...
Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.He ignored his wife Paula's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
Paula looked so stricken that he had to offer some consolation.
"That's OK, darling," Philip said. "You still have me."
Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "Yes, Philip," she wailed, "but you don't work either."
A distraught investor called h...
A distraught investor called his financial advisor. “Is my money really all gone?” He wailed. “No, no,” the advisor answered calmly. “It’s just with somebody else!”
Charged For Speeding
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
When you
When you become really close to someone, you can hear their voice in your head when you read their texts. When the two magicia...
“When the two magicians liked each other on their first date, it was love at first sleight.”
