Popular jokes (5281 to 5295)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A little girl asked her father...
A little girl asked her father:"How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers."
Black Powder
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."
T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby
This woman wouldnt let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, dont bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if Im drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Party-gal accelerator
Did you hear, the scientists behind Ecstasy drugs are now building a party-gal accelerator? The 3 greatest lies
What are the three greatest lies?1. The check is in the mail.
2. Small is beautiful.
3. I won't come in your mouth.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Finally getting married
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!
Me in August, and her in November.
The Gift
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
What's the difference between horny and homesick?
Q: What's the difference between horny and homesick?A: trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta, walks to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want the worst bj in the house!" "but sir, for that kind of money you could have the BEST blowjob in the house" The trucker replies, "It's ok, I'm homesick, not horny"
After eight days of backpackin...
After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
A young banker decided to get...
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went tothe finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later hewent in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,he felt that in this suit he can do business.As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to puthis hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were nopockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tellme you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in hisown pockets?"
There was a preacher whose wif...
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
Alphabet Killer
A British guy stabbed the 12th letter of the alphabet several times.
Bloody L.
@kirkfox won't save you
I USED TO THINK THAT I COULD BE A HERO.
I USED TO WANT TO,BUT AS I'VE GOTTEN OLDER,
I'VE REALIZED THERE'S LESS AND LESS PEOPLE
THAT I WANT TO SAVE.
@kirkfox won't save you. http://on.cc.com/1HeB2l4
