Popular jokes (5281 to 5295)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Everything you eat tastes like
Everything you eat tastes like licorice? Talk about anise problem to have.Guess who's the bride
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
Imagination
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
Little Johnny on Math
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johhny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
A dentist ran out of anaesthet...
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
A guy calls a company and orde...
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a signaround her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me youcan have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and hedoes his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happenswith him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that hehas lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the companyto order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscularguy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neckthat reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
The Perfect Dress
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Her parents divorced, but that never stopped her from wanting to get married. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding.'
An elderly man and his wife, v...
An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years."This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."
"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."
"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"
Making money
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Need Light
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
Hear about the dentist and his
Hear about the dentist and his evil twin?They were molar opposites!
