Popular jokes (5296 to 5310)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
This Is One Smart Dog
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door."An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
On Fridays
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'
When the President called one
When the President called one of his opponents a “flaming bag of feces” it set off a poo lit ical firestorm.American-Yiddish Dictionary
JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Charge By The Inch
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
Perv in the Lingerie Store
Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The panties were half off.
A local business was looking f...
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism
Theres a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. You drink too much. You sleep too much. Its like, if you were drunk all the time, youd be tired, too. A mother is cleaning her teena...
A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."
So Fat
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
