Popular jokes (5401 to 5415)

A woman said to her friend...

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

DON’T YOU FRET

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.

I replied, “Is that a fret?”

Sue Over The Property

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Flying In The Plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Squirrel in a Hurricane

Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
Pretty Much anywhere depending on how fast the wind is blowing

Burglar and an Elderly Woman

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

A man was sitting next to me i...

A man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."
"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

A man with a bag of Lays potat...

A man with a bag of Lays potato chips taunted Chuck Norris: "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris ate the chips, the bag, and the man.

Two men are standing at the to

Two men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies, one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun.
The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too.
As the second guy falls the & parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.
They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, "I really don't see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!"
The second guy lets out a groan and says, "I'm really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!"

While giving a physical the do...

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark bruises.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"

"Neither," said the man. "My wife and I play bridge."

A mother, accompanied by her s...

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Life's a test...graded on a curve...

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

Earning His Stripes

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task.

“Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began: “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I’ve ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

“Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same," the reporter said.

The old explorer replied: "No, not then -– just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'”

Scavenger hunt...

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list.

"Lady," Johnny explained, "we are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Man and wife in heaven....

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."