Popular jokes (5416 to 5430)

Confident and confidential

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" 

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

An armless man walked into a b...

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Two elderly gentlemen from a r...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a palm tree when one turns to the other and says... "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age, how do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Christmas film

There are two types of people in this world...

Those who think Die Hard is a Christmas Film, and those who are wrong.

The best 2018 Oscars jokes

“Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home”
Gary Oldman paid tribute to his 98-year-old mother in his acceptance speech for best actor, telling her: “Thank you for your love and your support. Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home.”

Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani, were joking about being actors with unpronouncable names. Nanjiani explained that his real name was Chris Pine. “You can imagine how annoyed I was when the white Chris Pine showed up,” he said.

Let's not have THAT again this year
"This year when you hear your name called, don't get up right away. Give us a minute, we don't want another thing. What happened last year was unfortunate.""

"The Shape of Water"
"We will remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish."

Get a clue Hollywood

"Here's how clueless Hollywood is about women. We made a movie called 'What Women Want' and it starred Mel Gibson. That's all you need to know."

Not all about the money "In fact, of the nine best picture nominees only two made more than $100 million. But that's not the point. We don't make films like 'Call Me By Your Name' for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence."

Two men were talking...

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Punished

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Two guys, one 80 and one 87...

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."

Plane lunch choices

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

By reddit user OK_Compooper, posted on Oct. 08. 2019.

1. If you are choking on an ic

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Invisible patient

- Doctor, there is a patient on line 1 that say he's invisible.
- Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

A big-city lawyer was represen...

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

A completely inebriated man wa...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

Geology rocks, but G...

“Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!”

For his final project in a sta...

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.
"John."
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door.
He asked again, "Sir, what is your name?"
"Jeff."
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime..."watching bubbles in a bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles."