Popular jokes (5416 to 5430)

Kids in the back seat cause ac...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

There are few guarantees in li

There are few guarantees in life but a blue sky is azure thing.

Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Di...

Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex
10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism

Theres a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. You drink too much. You sleep too much. Its like, if you were drunk all the time, youd be tired, too.

Look at the bright side at least mondays...

Look at the bright side at least mondays only happen once a week!

Dead Ringer

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell.

Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door.

The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms.

The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?"

The man said, "Let me show you."

So they went up to the top of the bell tower and the man started hitting the bell with his head.

The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, and then he goes flying through the window.

Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?"

The second priest said, "I don't know but that face sure rings a bell!"

If, by some incredible space-t...

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation!

“He's a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, “Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?” She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”

Nobody

Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.

The Hard Worker

Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer ...

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.

1. The patient refused autopsy

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car forphysical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

A Temperamental Couple

My wife and I are a temperamental couple...
I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.

Pete Holmes: I Love New York

There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, thats true. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- theres always something to blame it on.

The most romantic story

The most romantic story isn't Romeo and Juliet who died together, but Grandma and Grandpa who grew old together.