Popular jokes (5641 to 5655)

We Are The Best Of Friends

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

Good Question!

And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"

A woman is meeting with her sh...

A woman is meeting with her shrink. She confides the following problem.
"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My father is a convict. My mother is a Devil worshipper. My brother is in an asylum and I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a lawyer?"

People with bad handwriting ar

People with bad handwriting are actually more intelligent. They tend to be very no legible.

Hillary goes to heaven

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."

Shit hits the fan

A man walks into a bar. "Gimme a double, before the shit hits the fan."

A few minutes later, same thing. "Gimme a beer before the shit hits the fan."

This goes on for an hour or so.

Finally the Bartender goes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink."

"Oops, the shit just hit the fan." He replied.

The real reason that we can't...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.

Ponderings Collection 24

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a n*dist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

My Girlfriend Isn't Talking to Me

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that...
I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Marylou...

A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of the head with a huge frying pan.

"What the heck was that for!" he asked.

She replies, "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it..."

"Oh, dear, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Well, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I placed a bet on."

The explanation seems to appease her, and she leaves the room to go about her business.

Three days later, the man is again sitting in his chair reading the morning paper. His wife abruptly hangs up the telephone and then whacks him on the back of the head with the huge frying pan.

"What the heck did I do wrong this time!" he asked.

She answered, "Your horse just called!"

A professor of chemistry wante...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Overcharged? Sue for m

Overcharged? Sue for mal feesance.

Law of Mechanical Repair: Afte

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated withgrease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to theleast accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directlyproportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never geta busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for workbecause you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flattire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the oneyou were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (worksevery time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, thetelephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone youknow increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that amachine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inverselyproportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthestfrom the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee iscold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a lockerroom, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jellysandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated tothe newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't knowwhat you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,they will stop making it.

Are You Reading That?

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."
I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Bruce and Sheila have been see...

Bruce and Sheila have been seeing each other for a while and Sheila asks Bruce to meet her on the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Sheila: I've got something to tell you, Bruce…I'm preganant and if you don't marry me, I'm going to jump off this bridge into Sydney Harbour.
Bruce: That's what I like about you, Sheila. Not only are you a great shag but you're a good sport too.