Popular jokes (5641 to 5655)

Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

I promise you cannot read thes...

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh outloud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi schooldistrict. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not takeP.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick andI had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absenton Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She isadministrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth takenout of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he playingfootball. He hurt in the growing part.
Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because shehas been bothered by very close veins.
Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no raincot and it was missing rain.
Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncledied. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."
Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in hisside .
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has veryloose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. Hehad(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words werecrossed out in the ( )'s}
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. Hehad diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed hisbust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father'sfault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmasshopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itMonday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We haveto attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she wastired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had acold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. Shewas in bed with gramps.
Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having agangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under thedoctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had afever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and achedall over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must besomething going around, her father even got hot last night.

Michael Che: Camera Phones

My nephew's got a camera phone; he's 10 years old. Which sucks for him because I can't imagine what it must be like for him to go through a 5th grade math class with a device in his pocket that can answer all of life's questions and show him pictures of titties in high definition. You want this kid to pay attention in class? He doesn't have attention deficit, he's got titties in his pocket.

Look at the bright side at least mondays...

Look at the bright side at least mondays only happen once a week!

If the Magi Were Women...

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don’t you?The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

A woman decided to have her po...

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

A lawyer is standing in a long...

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Sheep and Kangaroo

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A sweater with big pockets.

Name plates

Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day.

A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.

One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise that the other women had already moved into their own offices.

Going to her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.

He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly. "See this?" he asked, "This is quality, and in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

The watch....

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not...."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

Sam consistently caught more f...

Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, they stopped the boat and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and threw it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining or are you going to fish?"

In high school, two boys, two...

In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: "You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an F in English."

Computer Problem Report Form

Describe your problem:

Now, describe the problem accurately:

Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

Problem Severity:

A. Minor

B. Minor

C. Minor

D. Trivial

Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up

B. Frozen

C. Hung

D. Shot

Is your computer plugged in? Yes No

Is it turned on? Yes No

Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes No

Have you made it worse? Yes

Have you read the manual? Yes No

Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes No

Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No

Do you think you understood it? Yes No

If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

How tall are you? Are you above this line?

What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes No

How does this problem make you feel?

Tell me about your childhood

Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes No

Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes

Wanda Sykes: Tiger Woods

As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament. Oh, OK -- 50/50: hes 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, Im flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, Tiger Woods is a quarter black, and Im like, Damn, hes down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? Theyre treating him like hes milk.