Popular jokes (5671 to 5685)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A policeman caught a nasty lit...
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other."Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you."
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go."
When the Circus Is in Town
The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession. The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves. Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."-A couple go for a meal at a Ch...
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
Marriage Lottery
"Do you believe marriage is a lottery?"
"No... it's not. In a lottery, a man is supposed to have a chance."
Great at making Sunday lunches
I told my friend that he'd be great at making Sunday lunches.
Because he's an excellent roaster.
Author: UnstoppablePhoenix /@MasterPhoenix
Price Check on Tampax
When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that oneof her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You might be a reneck if...Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
A sad-faced Doug walked into a...
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
Really funny jokes-Robbery foiled
The teachers, pupils and parents had been watching the rehearsal of a play which began with the words, 'This is a robbery'.
The criminal used these words and the audience collapsed in fits of laughter. So taken aback, the robber snatched the registration money and fled from the school into the arms of the police who were on their way having been alerted to the robbery.
Making money
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
You're doing just fine w...
You're doing just fine without an Irish accent. If it ain't brogue don't fix it. 
A husband exclaims to his wife
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"A father and son are out shopp
A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents for their family.
The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to get?"
The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod."
"Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?"
The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."
