Popular jokes (5746 to 5760)

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.

Parking A Boat

If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.

For his final project in a sta...

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.
"John."
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door.
He asked again, "Sir, what is your name?"
"Jeff."
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime..."watching bubbles in a bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles."

A man went into a local tavern...

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Really funny jokes-Meteor Crater

Why did the piece of...

“Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym? To get shredded!”

Drinking enough

Today, people are drinking enough liquid to turn the O'sheas green.

A Story Behind A Gun

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

Now that food has replaced sex

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even getinto my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with arelative.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screameror a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport theterminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of themget elected.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t head's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one specialperson you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number ofconsecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for presidentand 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having apeeing section in a swimming pool?

Mike Birbiglia: Mike Birbiglia

Ive been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes hell say a really good rhyme, and hell say his name afterwards. Hell be like, Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes. I really like that. Id like to do that with jokes. Like, I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, Im not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.

Boiled Egg

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

Falling down drunk...

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."

The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."

Help wanted...

A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities, however I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

Dumb monkey

Why did t...

Dumb monkey

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was holding hands with the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

because it thought they were playing a game!