Popular jokes (586 to 600)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Foreman
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”
“What’s that got to do with it?” he asked.
“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”
Tractor Salesman
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
Making Memories
We didn't realize we were making memories. We just knew we were having fun. Passport
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"
Don't take life too seriously
Don't take life too seriously. You will not get out of it alive. 
Pierced Nipple
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note…
I suck at darts.
Hi there. I'm a detective...
Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s, then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night.As we were driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left.
We went to her place. A rock broke through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to beat it, so I did, then I left.
Pickup truck full of penguins...
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy obliges and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."
Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day
International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes
I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!
What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"
What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."
Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.
What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.
Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee
Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."
How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.
How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.
What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.
What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!
How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!
Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.
What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.
Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.
What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!
Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.
I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.
What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.
What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>
What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.
Most Useless Inventions
- Non stick Cellotape
- Solar Powered Flash Light
- A black highlighter pen
- Glow in the dark sunglasses
- Inflatable Anchor
- Smooth Sandpaper
- Waterproof sponge
- Waterproof Teabags
- AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
- Fireproof Matches
- Fireproof Cigarettes
- Battery powered Battery Charger
- Seatbelts for Motorbikes
- Hand powered Chainsaw
- Inflatable Dartboard
- Silent Alarm Clock
- A Pedal powered wheelchair
- Braille Drivers Manual
- Double sided playing cards
- Ejector seats for Helicopters
A 97 year old man goes into hi...
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex driveis all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I wantit lowered!"
Parking Ticket
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "butthead".He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!
Lost credit card
A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."
"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"
"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"
