Popular jokes (571 to 585)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
17 Dad jokes and puns for Father's day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day. Check out Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.
Cowboys hung lanterns from their saddles at night,
It's the first example of Saddle Light Navigation...
Prison may be just one word to you.
But to others, it’s a whole sentence
Why did the kids think a blanket was the perfect Father's Day gift?
They thought dad was the coolest.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
How do dads like their steak on Father's Day?
On a plate.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
It lost its filling.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Did I tell you I ordered both a chicken and an egg from Amazon?
I'll let you know.
Did I tell you I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night?
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
You know why you should avoid the new Lego store when it opens tomorrow?
People will be lined up for blocks. I don't have a dad bod.
It's a father figure.
There's something about those trees I just don't trust.
They seem kind of shady.
My wife laughed when I said I could make a car out of macaroni.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!
I used to play piano by ear
but now I use my hands.
You did a grape job
raisin me, dad.
Dad, you're a real
fungi.
Curtain Rod
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.
The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.
26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes
Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!
A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.
Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.
My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.
Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!
Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!
Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!
Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!
Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.
Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.
Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.
Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.
Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.
Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.
Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.
Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.
Why Do Frogs Like St. Patrick's Day?
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fareQ: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?A: A sham rockQ: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing greenQ: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?A: A Jolly Green GiantQ: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning!Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Who Gets What?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A good lawyer."
A 90-year-old man said to his...
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have anelderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he wasgoing out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella insteadof his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside thestream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." A pastor's wife was expecting...
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Navigation Gone Wild
I turned on the navigation device in the car and it began to flirt with me!
Just then I realized I'd hit the wrong button and was listing to an audio book romance novel belonging to my wife.
Scottish Wedding
Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding. ‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’
Archie nodded approvingly.
‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.
‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white
Dating Vs. Marriage
Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.
Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.
