Popular jokes (6076 to 6090)

Room key in heaven

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

Women need a reason to have sex

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)

Picture: Getty Images

First the doctor told me the good news

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin (August 14 1945-)

Picture: Rex Features

One day a fisherman was lying...

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?"

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy init! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot andone for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied shewas so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don'tremember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five tosix ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you somuch that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She triedin vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Momexplained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it'sme?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Pleasedon't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do Icost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging andkissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked hisdad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Momasked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happenwith this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The mannamed Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but hiswife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, Jamesasked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, ratherwrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and thenasked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particularSunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extendedtoward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, weare but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my veryobedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audiblyin her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Pet Store

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

I just need to make it

I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.

Sarah Millican (May 29 1975-)

Picture: BBC

The Darwinian vs. God Contest

One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

When the two magicia...

“When the two magicians liked each other on their first date, it was love at first sleight.”

A guy dies and wakes up to fin...

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Well, no I'm not.

Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...

 Maryland Crazy Law

Thistles may not grow in one's yard.

Baltimore

No person who is a "tramp" or "vagrant" shall loiter in any park at any time. They define tramp as a person who roves for begging purposes and a vagrant as an idle person who is able-bodied living without labor. It's a $50 fine. I guess the tramp would have to beg for the money to pay the fine. -Park Rule 6

It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.

It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.

It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.

It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898)

Baltimore City

You may not curse inside the city limits.

Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited.

Columbia

Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.

You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.

Ocean City

Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.

A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)

#joke #animal #lion #food #eating #sport #swimming

Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"            

A man went to a psychiatrist f

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee.

A man boards a plane with six

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."