Popular jokes (6361 to 6375)

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Three men were shipwrecked on ...

Three men were shipwrecked on a desert island and where captured by the local natives. They were brought to the chief native. The chief gave the men two choices; they could have death or submit to unga bunga. The first man decides he does not want to die, so he chooses unga bunga. Ten of the natives took him into the woods, when he came back one hour later he was all beaten up. The second man chooses unga bunga and he was taken out the woods for 2 hours where the natives beat him up. The third man not wanting to go through all that torture decided upon death. So the chief said ok death by Unga Bunga

A plumber and a woman

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

One-armed butlers

'One-armed butlers - they can take it but they can't dish it out.'

Tim Vine (March 4 1967-)

Boarding From What Gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Burnt offering

Two men were down at the pub talking.

The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !"

The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy, every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

The Evangelizing Barber

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.
The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door.”
A man came in as he opened his shop and said, “I need a shave.”
The barber said, “Yes sir! Just have a seat and I’ll be right with you.”
The barber went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, “Lord, the first customer just came in and I’m going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”
Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, “I have a question for you: Are you read to meet your Maker?”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Brenda, pregnant with her firs...

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Make God Laugh

You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.

Why do Morris dancers wear bel...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?
So they can annoy blind people as well.

Robert Schmidt 13

My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...
When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

Religion as Baseball

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error.

Al Madrigal: Sketchy Waterfall

Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it's also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there's a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It's like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.

The grass is always greener on...

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Beans & Onions

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

A: Tear gas.