Popular jokes (6436 to 6450)

 Military Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Why No Luck?

Ole and Lena are driving home from a party one night when Ole gets pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to the window and asks Ole, "Sir, did you realize that you were speeding?"

"No sir," replies Ole, "I had no idea I was speeding."

Suddenly, Lena blurts out, "Yeah you did Ole! You were speeding and you knew it the whole time!"

"Would you be quiet Lena, this isn't the time or the place!"

"Well, you were speeding and now you're trying to lie about it," says Lena.

Ole replies, "Will you just shut up for once, I'm sick of you bossing me around!"

The officer, still standing at the window of the car is surprised at the way Ole is talking to his wife. He asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like this?"

"No," she replies, "only when he's been drinking."

One day two very loving parent

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said, "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied, "Ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said, "Feel my titties" and the man said, "Feel my d*ck".
Their son walked in and asked, "What does titties and d*ck mean?" and the parents replied, "Hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself. "Shit," he said. The kid came in and asked, "What's that mean?" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F*ck" she said. Once again the kid asked, "What's that mean?" The mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said, "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your d*cks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!"

Employment Test

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Steamroller accidents

Steamroller accidents can be quite ugly. Luckily I have always been the grader man.

Technology for Country Folk...

Technology for Country Folk...

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much

farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya

paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."-

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

An elderly couple were watchin

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

Human cloning is outlawed beca...

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

The Volkswagen and the Rolls

A man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”

The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.” “I got one too… see?” “Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice.” “You got a fax machine?” “Why, actually, yes, I do.” “I do too! See? It's right here!” “Uh-huh.”

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?” And the guy in the Rolls says, “NO! Do you?” “Yep, got my double bed right in back here… see?!”

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?” “Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?” “Check this out… I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”

“AND YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!

Parents

What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?

Parents.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Try To Spell That Name

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my sister in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."