Popular jokes (6466 to 6480)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Really funny jokes-Bizarre bank robbery
'You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, sucks up all the money. Then the gang lead the elephant back into the truck. The robbers close the truck doors and the truck pulled away.'
The desk sergeant said, 'Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'
'How can you tell the difference?' asked the bank manager.
'Well,' said the sergeant, 'The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?'
'How should I know? I couldn't see his ears,' said the bank manager. 'He had a stocking over his head.'
Lost in the woods
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions:an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player.
The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Billy Gates writes to Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
Talks to plants on their own level.
Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The butter slipped off his noodle.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
Two Hindu Puns
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
An Audience With the Pope
A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape.""And what's the bad news?" asks the man."You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.Geraniums....
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
The new lawyer...
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."
The chicken or the egg?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
The Lord Is on the Phone
A Catholic priest, a Lutheran minister and an Evangelical preacher are arguing about religion one day when the phone rings.The priest gets up to answer it. After listening for few moments, he says, “Yes, I will pass on the news,” and hangs up.Turning to the others, he says, “I have good news and bad news.”"Really? Do tell,” the minister says. "My friends,” the priest announces, "that was the Lord Jesus on the phone, and he was calling to say he’s back.""Glory be!” shouts the preacher. “What could possibly be bad news now?”"Well,” the priest says, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”-Donald Glover: We Get It
Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever? Represent Christmas
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
