Popular jokes (6556 to 6570)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Bad grammer....
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.
When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.
"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.
"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Haven't got a clue," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"
Wife 1.0
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?! Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck.
Tech Support Matt Smith
Technology
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a Fax," he explains
Circumcision... At Your Age?
Two men are sharing a hospital room. "What are you in for?" The first man says.
"I'm getting a circumcision," his roommate replies.
"Damn," exclaims the first man, "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
After spending a night at a ho...
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
Gilbert Gottfried: Final Straw in "Planet of the Apes"
I wish sometimes that I could lose my temper the way that Charlton Heston did in the original Planet of the Apes, that scene where he says, Take your paws off me, you damn dirty apes! And he did that after they threw a net on him. Its like, before then, everything was OK; something about monkeys throwing a net on him: Thats it. Thats it. Now, Im angry.The Bermuda Triangle used to b...
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.Beer Test
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned."
Submitted by Calamjo
Ponderings Collection 21
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ? The light went out, but where to ?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
In retrospect
My wife came running from the kitchen and asked, "What are you watching?"
I replied, "Video of our marriage!"
Food chain
After discussing the “food chain” with my fifth grade class, I told them their weekend homework was to write a sentence showing they understood the meaning of the term.
On Monday morning, one student handed this in: “Burger King is my favorite food chain.”
A Polish immigrant went to the...
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Every time a bell rings Chuck ...
Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.Future value
A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here, is the check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."
