Popular jokes (6661 to 6675)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Giving a man his physical, a d...
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey?""No."
"Do you play soccer?"
"No."
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
A man comes home from an exhau...
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? YouÂ’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "ItÂ’s started..."
A man boards a plane with six
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."A game warden came upon a duck
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU tell me!"
Hilarious jokes-History or Geography
'Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!'
The cashier laughed and said, 'You mean to say 'HISTORY.'
The robber answered, 'Don't change the subject.'
If you're at sea and wan
If you're at sea and want to hold an election, you have to cast your ballast.Entrance Exam
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
Bastard Operator From Hell
It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH,
however, does have it's advantages. I assign the tape device
to null - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't
have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And
it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.
A user rings
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's
excuse ".. clock speed"
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied)
"Do you know when it will be fixed?"
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them
is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone
else a chance!"
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need
is one page of Laser Print.."
"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that
buddy!" I hang up.
Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me.
I put on a gruff voice
"HELLO, SALARIES!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone
calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract
your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call
from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've
finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME -
AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's
obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the
Dean's office. I look up his username and find his
department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
"Hello?" she answers
"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES
RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE
HIM A MESSAGE?"
"I think so..." she says
"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
"Um. Ok"
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL
ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO
THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE
MESSAGE ON"
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I
was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick
copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds.
Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?
Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says
"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask
"No, on my account, stupid."
Stupid?!?.... Uh-Oh..
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that
of Jimmy Stewart in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch
that. What was it that you said?"
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too
late, he's a goner and he knows it.
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account,
*please*"
"Sure, hang on"
I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the
mouthpeice.
"There, you've got plenty of space now"
"How much have I got"
Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want
me to give them extra disk, they want to check it, to correct
me if I don't give them enough. They should be happy with
what I give them *and that's it*!!!
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his
bargaining power
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room
temperature "4 Meg in total..."
"Huh?... I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg
Available?"
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
I kill me; I really do!
Cleaning lady
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member.The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.
The pastor thought to himself, "Oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her."
He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.
The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."
Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady.
He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."
"He did?" said the pastor.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and yisman
Did Picasso make stained glass
Did Picasso make stained glass windows? Sorry, no Pablo in glaze."Brokeback Mountain" is not ju...
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.A couple go for a meal at a Ch...
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
