Popular jokes (7366 to 7380)

What has four legs...

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

How to give a cat a pill
<...

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

Mellowing mother...

I have five siblings . . . three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last.

She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years . . .

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

Hunting With A Wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."

Where’s Everyone Going?

“Where’s everyone going?” one chicken asked another as they ran along with the flock.
“The farmer said some men were going to lay a sidewalk out front, and we all want to see how they do it.”

“I once read a book a

“I once read a book about singularity. It really sucked me in.”

Signs You Have a Han

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Dishes Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

When you say "no one's perfect...

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.

Jim Gaffigan: Bologna

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Whos that for? I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive. Ill have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.

“The high school musi

“The high school music teacher was quite controversial. He told his students to read band books.”

The Big Man Upstairs

Teacher: What are you grateful for?
Megan: I’m grateful for the big man upstairs.
Little Johnny: Not me, the big man upstairs drives me nuts! He practices river dancing every night for an hour.

Birth Control Pills

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Yes, they help me sleep at night. "

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. "

You gotta love Grandmas!

An Irishman, an Italian, and a...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Concentrate

When I was walking around the super market I noticed a blonde staring really hard at a carton of orange juice.

I asked her what she was doing.

She said "Well, it says on the carton 'concentrate'".

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis