Popular jokes (8326 to 8340)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
When Chuck Norris does a pushu...
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.Buy a grade...
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
“When the Human Torch
“When the Human Torch lost his superpowers, he was certainly put out.”
The flood of Trump-fearing Ame
The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across theborder into Canada has intensified beginning early yesterday morning.Trump’s victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans
who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens ofsociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists,and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywoodproducer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer RedGreenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold,exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-rangechicken.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higherfences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakersthat blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck theirfingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularlyconcerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border,pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, wherethey are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," anAlberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a singlebottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. Allthey had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, oftenwailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-educationcamps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study theConstitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants arecreating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the BarbaraStreisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloadingjazzercise apps to their cell phones.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economyjust can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, howmany art-history majors does one country need?"
Hypothetically Speaking
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Man from Bandoo
There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo
Spray Paint
Why are men and spray paint alike?One squeeze and they're all over you.
Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Calamjo
Arj Barker: Walking Shoes
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. Everybody get outta here! Theres a swarm of bees coming! What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.Baldness...
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."
Secret Formula
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....
Q: Why didn't the sailors pla
Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?A: Because the captain was on the deck.
Selfless beings
Most Women would not not like to help unknown Men but Men are more than willng to help unknown Women!
Homework Help
Parents are expected to participate in their childrens education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, John, whenever hes stumped. One day after school, John ran into the house waving a paper in the air. Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework, he announced. You made one, Dad made one and I made one!
