Popular jokes (8476 to 8490)

Mommy Mommy 03

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

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Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

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Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

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Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

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Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

How many surrealists does it t

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Spray Paint

Why are men and spray paint alike?

One squeeze and they're all over you.

Submitted by Glaci

EDited by Calamjo

Easter Bunny

Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? A: He doesnt want anyone to know hes f**king chickens.

Q: Why didn't the sailors pla

Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

A Little Cannibalism Humor, Folks

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

American-Yiddish Dictionary

JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

I walked in to our house to fi...

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman.

"Hello, all," I announced.

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.

"The census bureau?" I asked.

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.

If you overcook the lettuce-wr

If you overcook the lettuce-wrapped mutton, I'll burn ewe in a veggie.

Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Q: What do you call a Mexican

Q: What do you call a Mexican rolling in sand?
A: A churro.

Flying To Frankfurt

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

There was a German, Swedish an

There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a Island.
They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie pops out.
The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he wishes.
He says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would like to be back home."
Poof, the German guy is gone.
Then the genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home too.
Poof, the Swedish guy is gone.
Then the genie asked the Polish guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other two guys very much I wish they would come back."
Poof -- the German and Swedish guys came back.

Chuck Norris can win a game of...

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Iliza Shlesinger: Season Change

I was in New York last Christmas, its snowing, theres a guy in a t-shirt. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York, I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Youre not a penguin. I was like, In fact sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.