Popular jokes (8596 to 8610)

Button That Comes Off

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I cannnot button me pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doow to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

Contrary to popular belief, th...

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

So annoying! A UFO came and pu

So annoying! A UFO came and put a lien on my house.

Shhhhh....

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!

'What's shaking Norm?'
'All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'

'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'

'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'

'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?
'A beer please, Woody.'

'Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No. For a stupid question'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, we...

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'

the blonde and the b

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"

she looked confused and said "where we going?"

John's on a business trip with...

John's on a business trip with Bill, a co-worker that never shuts up. John keeps trying to catch a few winks on the plane but Bill keeps asking him to play a "game" with him. John finally realizes he's not gonna get Bill to shut up until he plays so he says, "Okay, what's the game?."

Bill says, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me 5 dollars, then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I give you 5 dollars back."

John says no and turns back over to get some sleep. Bill says he'll make it more interesting and up John's payback to 50 bucks in the event Bill doesn't know the answer. John agrees. Bill asks, "How far is the moon from the sun?." John just pulls out his wallet and hands Bill 5 bucks.

Bill says, "Okay, now it's your turn!." John thinks for a second and asks, "What has 3 legs going up one side of a hill and 4 legs coming down the other?." Bill is stumped. He checks his laptop computer, makes a few calls on the Air-Telephone then returns and hands John 50 bucks. John then rolls over to go back to sleep. Bill finally says, "I give up! What's the answer?." John just reaches into his wallet and hands Bill another five bucks.

 Purchasing New Brains

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

When Chuck Norris does a pushu...

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

“My friend quit worki

“My friend quit working at the pin factory. He felt there was no point to the job.”

Dragging Their Feet

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

Cervantes was a great speechmaker, but his greatest of all was Don Keynote.

#joke #short

TEN GOO...

TEN GOOD EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."