Popular jokes (871 to 885)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
POV
An Insult:
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!
The results of your bold test
Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”
“You mean blood test?”
“Hm, must be a Type-O.”
Author FinalCaveat user
Old Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
Retaking exam
Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"
"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."
The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."
The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:
"Which tire was it?"
A woman goes to the Doctor, wo...
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."
The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."
Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"
The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."
MEN vs WOMEN on ATM
MAN:1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
Lotsa Amore
Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people.
That's the biggest number I've ever heard.
Top ten jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival
Top ten jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival
1. Masai Graham:
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.
2. Mark Simmons:
Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.
3. Olaf Falafel:
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
4. Hannah Fairweather:
By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.
5. Will Mars:
I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.
6. Olaf Falafel:
I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.
7. Richard Pulsford:
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.
8. Tim Vine:
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.
9. Sophie Duker:
Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.
10. Will Duggan:
I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.
The Lab Assistant
So I was in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”
She said, "Ammonia cleaner."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”
Anal vs Oral
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Few more Dad jokes
Dad jokes are here.
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day.
Do the math.
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."
Kids meals only $150
What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless!
Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die?
They dilate.
What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?
2:30
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle?
They got over it.
Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on many levels!
Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
Because it didn't like its toner voice.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
It was very sweepy.
Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
Because they often have to draw blood.
Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?
Its days were numbered.
What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
You're under a vest.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
To report a mugging.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
A fifteen year-old boy came ho...
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Cough Syrup
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Short Cowboy Jokes
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
