Popular jokes (856 to 870)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Early Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
Coma
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Lady trying to catch a ride
A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.
She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:
- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn't sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.
- Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it's been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.
- Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:
"Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?"
Growing Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Play hide and go seek
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.
It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.
He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says, "you didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!"
Blind Man
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."
Water and Whiskey
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
My Old Kentucky Home
An older man at the evening function bowed his head and wept quietly but copiously while while a young woman rendered the plaintive ballad, "My Old Kentucky Home."
The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired tenderly, "Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?"
"Nay, madam," the tearful one replied, "I'm a musician."
World UFO Day Jokes
July 2nd is World UFO Day! Find jokes about it!
Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
Have u heard about the University For Oceans?I heard the education is out of the world.
Why don’t aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they’ve just had a big launch
I have never seen a UFO before.
I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
Today I got hit by a UFO
Then I turned around and looked down and I found a frisbee
I had my first UFO experience this morning
I walked into the kitchen and confessed to my mum that killed her prize Orchid. The next thing I knew, there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!
What do you call an alien spaceship that’s leak water?
A crying saucer.
What do you call a pizza chef on an aeroplane?
A flying sauce-er.
#worldufoday #ufoday
14 Dad Jokes to prepare for Father's Day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day in some countries! Get your jokes ready on time!
Thought I saw my first ever real life super hero today.
He was running down our street wearing a cape...
Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!
How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!
My wife called me and said, "I've found a dead bee in the sink, what do I do?"
I said, "Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet."
A few minutes later she said,
"I've done that, but what about the bee?"
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike...
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
The Doctor Needs A Wrench
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, 'Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?'
'I don't know,' replies the flustered doctor, 'I can't get my bag open!'
Old Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
