Popular jokes (8986 to 9000)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Jury duty...
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
The Invisible Man
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
The blind date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
An old Italian Mafia 'Don' i
An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'
Naming the Twins
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?"
and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Mother Called
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
A couple return from their hon
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend, "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change."
People in Grass Houses
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the huts opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
“People are choosing ...
“People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.”
Two Kinds of People
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."The Bad Knife Thrower
Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back.
Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it?
Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!
Bless This Car
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently."What are you doing?" the priest asks.The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service.""Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says."I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies."Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.In the days of the Wild West,
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wantedmore than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that hewasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly manstanding at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in theWest. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought hima drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you thinkyou could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 andshot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where thehammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew hisgun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got anymore tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "Seethat axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease onthe barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handleand all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing thepiano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it'sall greased up."
