Popular jokes (9151 to 9165)

Three men are sitting naked in...

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explained.

Buy a grade...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Three Wishes from a Genie

The pastoral associate, the associate pastor, and the pastor are taking a shortcut to a meeting. As they walk through a vacant lot, the trio stumbles on an ancient oil lamp. On a lark they rub it, and to their amazement a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish.The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, lolling in the sun without a care!” The genie waves his hand and she disappears in a puff of smoke.The associate pastor jumps up and says, “I want to be walking through the halls of the Vatican, marveling at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.” He too disappears.Scowling, the pastor says to the genie,” I want t hose two back in time for the meeting.”

“It was really crowde

“It was really crowded at the diet doctor's office but then it thinned out.”

Pop N. Fresh dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.

Today's Halloween Specials:

Today's Halloween Specials:
Ghoulash, scream beans, scalped potatoes, and Mummy's tomb-make booberry pie with I scream.

Micheal Jackson

Cinderella, Thumbalina and Shrek were talking together one day.
Cinderella- I think I am the prettiest
Thumbalina- I think I am the Smallest
Shrek- I think I am the ugliest
They go to the City Hall to talk to the mayor and see the book of World Records. Cinderella goes in and comes out happy.
Cinderella- I am the Prettiest
Thumbalina goes in and comes out happy.
Thumbalina- I am the smallest.
Shrek goes in and comes out confused and mad.
Shrek- Who the hell is Michael Jackson?

All roads lead to Chuck Norris...

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Heaven and Hell

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says: "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says: "Enter."

The other doctor says: "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.

The third applicant steps forward and says: "I was an ACC account manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him: "You can come in, too."

As the ACC account manager walks by, Saint Peter adds: "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken?

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After

receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we

have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from

'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day

our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million

dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer

is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1

billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from

'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day

our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is

the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We

will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's

Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give

us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to

say that he has good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5

billion."

"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"

Q: What starts with F and ends

Q: What starts with F and ends with U-C-K?
A: Firetruck.

William Bennett recalls when o...

William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."
It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, "I gave them paper plates.

Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Dad, What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.

But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.

So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.

The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Clean Those Restrooms

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.