Popular jokes (9136 to 9150)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I saw the light!
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.
"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."
After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview. "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"
"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!"
The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"
"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me."
The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"
"Why?" she asks curiously.
"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.
"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?"
Control Your Sideline Coach!
One of the youth soccer coaches didn't care much for my refereeing and had no problem letting me know it. Fed up, I politely threatened him with a send-off if he didn't stop.
He calmed down, but an older woman took up where he'd left off. "You'd better control your sideline," I warned the coach.
The coach turned to the woman and barked, "Knock it off, Mom!"
Mopeds
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either one.
A couple of puns...
Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself.However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killingthe clone.He was arrested by the local police for... making anobscene clone fall.--------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when theylit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
An Octogenarian moved to a new
An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.
The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!
The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."
"I do," replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."
Can ice cube trays be improved...
Can ice cube trays be improved? You'll have to undertake a freezability study.Customer satisfaction is belie
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
A Royal Pain in the ...
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"
Steven Wright 26
All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Trouble hearing....
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"
Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
People don't like to look dum
People don't like to look dumpy in their own photos, which is why a local professional photographer gets a lot of requests asking him to retouch photos. You know, erase the crow's-feet, lop off the 'love handles' -- that sort of thing.Therefore, he wasn't surprised when one woman, pointing to a family portrait, asked him, "Can you take thirty pounds off me?" until she added, "and put it on my sister?"
Two aliens landed in the...
Two aliens landed in the Little Desert near an abandoned petrol station.
They approached the petrol pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The petrol pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the petrol pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way?
Take us to your leader or I will fire."
The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don't screw around with him."
