Popular jokes (9241 to 9255)

Carpet My Steps

I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps…
He gave me a blank stair.

An American businessman goes t

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

Talking to Her Cat

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

When seeking to ignite his own

When seeking to ignite his own farts, why did the Moroccan fellow prefer using a powerful blowtorch, as opposed to a simple matchstick?

A doctor reaches into his smoc...

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

Fuzz

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.

He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

Three Favorite Things

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Bitten by a snake

My mother’s sister was bitten by a snake. I will carefully suck the poison. That’s the antidote.

Gilbert Gottfried: Final Straw in "Planet of the Apes"

I wish sometimes that I could lose my temper the way that Charlton Heston did in the original Planet of the Apes, that scene where he says, Take your paws off me, you damn dirty apes! And he did that after they threw a net on him. Its like, before then, everything was OK; something about monkeys throwing a net on him: Thats it. Thats it. Now, Im angry.

A Yogi Goes to the Dentist...

Did you hear about the Hindu yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine, the yogi said, "No. I can transcend dental medication."

No Return Ticket

In the line-up at the store, a man overheard the checkout clerk ask the lady in front of him if she had an air miles card.

“Oh, yes,” she said. “I have enough air miles to get to where my son lives.”

“That's wonderful,” said the cashier.

“My son doesn't think so,” the lady replied. “I don't have enough to get back.”

Source: JustCleanJokes.com

Your father is drunk

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,

You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,

Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,

I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,

Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,

He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black

And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.

Sooooooo....

You better not pout, you better not cry,

I don't like that look in his eye,

Daddy's home and I think he's....

Daddy's home and boy is he.......

Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

Short funny jokes-Kids

Q. Can you define Adults?
A. They are just kids with money.

Cheating Husband
\

Cheating Husband
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"