Popular jokes (9421 to 9435)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 55

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.
Q: How many barbershoppers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 7. 1 to change the light bulb, 4 to sing about how much they miss the old one and 2 to sell tickets to the "afterglow".
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.

Joining a new company, a guy h

Joining a new company, a guy had to take a physical with the company doctor.
All the tests came out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor noted that he had the smallest penis he'd ever seen. "Tell me," he said, "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?"
"No," he said. "I've got a great wife, three kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I ever have is finding it when I need to urinate."
"And yet you still have a normal sex life?"
"That's not a problem," he said, "because there's TWO of us looking for it then."

Talking to Her Cat

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

A Letter to My Bank

Dear Sir/Madam:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my Internet Service Provider last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between them presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the Automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience, I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2018, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes, and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised of the following changes.
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated Voice.
By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. But, to leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 10 again
10. The contact will be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:
'Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for.'
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
I wish you a happy and prosperous 2018
Your humble client...

Laurence Gerard
Webmonk @ The Friars Club

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 15

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, we contract out for things like that.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven--one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.

A woman took an inexperienced...

Joke removed because it was not in line with policies.

“I saw a Buddhist lam

“I saw a Buddhist lamp. It was very enlightening.”

Dropping Fat Man and Little Bo

Dropping Fat Man and Little Boy on Hiroshima and Nagasaki was a bomb on nation.

A dietitian was once addressin...

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Ethiopian dictator puns are...

Ethiopian dictator puns are Haile Selasscious.

Survival techniques

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Did you hear about the new Chi...

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

Because I Said So!

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?""Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

For those of you who have live

For those of you who have lived in Texas like Astro Zombie, or even visited, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two whole beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy people.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.>
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili...
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive!
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, it could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, burning, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ***I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- Oh God...

Eight-year-old Sally brought h

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."