Popular jokes (9436 to 9450)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Church Bulletin Bloopers
There was an elderly couple wh...
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"“They are showing 'T
“They are showing 'The Green Mile' at the big house today. It's a conflict.”
A young reporter went to a ret
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
When do you kick a midget in t
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells good.If you lose something in an ol
If you lose something in an old-age home, don't stop until you've searched every nook and granny.Business One-liners 104
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.
A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die…
He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter replies: "When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!"
What would you like to hear?
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
A night to remember
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her: "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again: "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest! One of us has to get up in the morning!"
Father and Son Interpret the Bible
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of
his father, an
evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His
father took him to
the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you,
son. You
bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your
Bible a little, and
get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided
that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After
about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father
about the car.
Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son,
I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up,
and I've observed that you've been
studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the
Bible study class on
Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't
got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies
of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
John the
Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that
Jesus himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you
also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"
A man phoned his doctor saying
A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to be having an appendicitis attack."That's impossible," the physician replied. "Your wife had an appendectomy last year. Why are you bothering me for something as stupid as that? Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"
"No, to be honest I haven't!" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
Holy Water
Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.
