Popular jokes (9556 to 9570)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Business one-liners 46
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.The workbench is always untidier than last time.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.
100 Pounds of Dynamite
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
The organs of the body were ha...
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was Incharge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the
brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes........ I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's
going.
A - - hole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the a - -hole very mad.
To prove his point, the a - -hole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste
whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the a - - hole be in charge.
Cheap Boyfriend
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle."That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Blind folks are the no
Blind folks are the no see-est people.Why Some Men have Dogs and Not Wives!!!
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of...
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two."What Letter?
"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."
A Texan farmer goes to Austral...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
