Popular jokes (9961 to 9975)

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he would stay up all night with his ballistic missiles. The neighbours always complained he was creating quite a rocket.

Tiger Woods

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods "the clubs you can beat Tiger with."
News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."
Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that "this was the closest shave I have had yet."
Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.
It’s not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive, hits a water hazard, and ends up in the trees.
It’s the first time Tiger’s driven less then 250 yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Heaven and Hell

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says: "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says: "Enter."

The other doctor says: "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.

The third applicant steps forward and says: "I was an ACC account manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him: "You can come in, too."

As the ACC account manager walks by, Saint Peter adds: "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

The early bird may get the wor...

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Family Genetics

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?”
One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken?

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After

receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we

have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from

'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day

our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million

dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer

is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1

billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from

'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day

our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is

the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We

will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's

Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give

us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to

say that he has good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5

billion."

"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"

A judge in his golden years de

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.
She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just..."
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica?"

Baby Maybe

Saleswoman: "When this baby doll is put to bed, it goes to sleep just like a real baby."
Mrs. Williams: "Whoever made it didn't know much about real babies."

A foursome is waiting at the m

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

Really funny jokes-Fish poaching

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.
After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.
They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.
"Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

A Bible study group was discus...

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

Numbers Equal Zero

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

My friend said he used to go t...

My friend said he used to go to strip clubs. He has fondle mammaries of that time.

Don&...

Don't take the Lord's name in vain. That would be bibelous.

A couple was celebrating their...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife, a redhead, promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."