Popular jokes (10126 to 10140)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Business one-liners 32
Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)
Self starters...will not.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.
A vacationer called a seaside
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told."But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
I Sent My Son to Israel...
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a
year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his
knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his
son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you
for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It
was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that
while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best
friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his
friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the
Rabbi.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the
Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian. What is happening to our sons?" "Brothers, we must
take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
So they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out
their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated,
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to
Israel . . ."
Eliot Chang: Facebook Me
I hate when I meet a girl, Im trying to get to know her, and shes like, Oh, you can just Facebook me. Bitch, my face is here right now!A Kansas farm wife called the ...
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Old Age At Its Best
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for.?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her.?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
A man walks into a clock shop ...
A man walks into a clock shop one day and pulls his cock out and slaps it down on the counter.The confused sales woman says to the man that they only fix clocks in the shop.
The man then calmly says 'I know. That's why I want you to put two hands on this'.
While hiking in the woods, Nat
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this. He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!
In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him.
What is the moral of this story? - Better Nate than lever.
Are midgets mean?
Are midgets mean?Office jokes-Corporate Structure
Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.
Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.
Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.
Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.
Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.
