Popular jokes (10321 to 10335)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures."
Barber Shop Outing
Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, 'How do you want your haircut?'
The man says, ' I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.'
The barber looks puzzled and says, 'I'm not sure I can do that.'
The customer says, 'Why not, you did it that way last time.'
Bubba and Billy Bob
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Gainesville, and they see a sign on a store which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.'
Bubba says to his pal, 'Billy Bob, look here! We could buy gobs of these, take 'em back to Tallahassee, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we are from Florida.'
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, 'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'Ya'll played football for Florida State, didn’t y’all?'
'Well...yeah,' says a surprised Bubba.....'How come you knowed that?'
'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
Some Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
What lies at the bottom of the...
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.12 shots....
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy answers, "75 cents."
Defective nails...?
Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.
The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
An old man goes to the doctor
An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."Q: Why did the man take toilet
Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?A: Because he was a party pooper.
A man walks into a bar, he see
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
Forgetful...
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
A wife and husband are having
A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."Silence In the Courtroom
Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!
