Popular jokes (10321 to 10335)

Accidental Meeting

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow!

Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

A 70-year-old man goes to the

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everythingseems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? Howis your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to thebathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, heturns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you aboutyour husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when heneeds to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns itoff for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''

Tarzan had been living alone i

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

By the time you read through t

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

Will we ever make Libya puns?

Will we ever make Libya puns? I Gaddhafi-ling we will.

Battle of the sexes - The female perspective

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1) In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing
like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be
a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!"
and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.
2) I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to
take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
3) Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4) And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5) After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not
expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I
let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6) I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7) In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.
8) I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform
you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll
invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to
stay.
9) After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
10) I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of
course.
Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________

When stopped by a police offic

When stopped by a police officer many are unsure of how to begin a conversation and so just sit there feeling foolish waiting for the officer to initiate the conversation. To avoid this embarrassing situation we offer the following icebreakers that will stimulate a lively intercourse with the public servant.
1. My gun is bigger than your gun.
2. Give me a ten second head start and I bet you won't be able to catch me again.
3. You don't want to test my breath, do you?
4. You can't look in my trunk without a search warrant. Can you?
5. Can your breathalyzer detect Marijuana?
6. Well, it isn't the blue fairy of the highway.
7. I hope you aren't going to check for warrants.
8. You're the third cop who pulled me over today.
9. Hey buddy, Do you know John and Ponch?
10. Just put it on my tab.

The National Game warden put o...

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

Woman and Santa

A woman had never seen Santa Claus before, but on Christmas Eve night she heard someone come down her chimney so she went downstairs to check it out. ''Oh, it's Santa Claus," she said, "Please stay and chat this is the first time I have met you." Santa replied, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady took off her robe, but Santa said, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady slipped off her nightgown and Santa told her, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" Then the lady removed her panties, and Santa said, ''Hey hey hey, I need to stay. I need to stay, 'cause I can't go up the chimney with my di*k this way!"

Judy and Ted got married and h

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart Disease.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Judy remarried, and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

Too Much Time Online

My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
What do you guys think?

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Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever dog.

A very rich and famous dwarf p...

A very rich and famous dwarf passed away recently. He was low dead.

The Volkswagen and the Rolls

A man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”

The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.” “I got one too… see?” “Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice.” “You got a fax machine?” “Why, actually, yes, I do.” “I do too! See? It's right here!” “Uh-huh.”

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?” And the guy in the Rolls says, “NO! Do you?” “Yep, got my double bed right in back here… see?!”

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?” “Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?” “Check this out… I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”

“AND YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!

There were two blondes who wen...

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"