Popular jokes (10306 to 10320)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Is honesty the best policy?
After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
Soviet cannibals preferred din
Soviet cannibals preferred dining on Germans. Because they were total-eat-Aryans.Madonna and a Convertible
What do you get when Madonna is in a convertible?
A top that comes down easily!
A female TV reporter from RTE ...
A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?
Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?
The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease"?
Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?
The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you get mad yourself?
An old man lived alone in New ...
An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament...
"Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili garden this year. I just getting too old to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me. Siempre, tu poppy "
A few days later he received a letter from his son...
"Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Francisco"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son...
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the chili now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Francisco"
Solution To The Y2K Problem
The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it.
Arj Barker: Overwhelmed at the Shoe Store
There are so many types of shoes. Theres so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes? Well, uh, Id like to have that option. Hopefully, theyre adjustable. I mean, Id like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.Grandpa's brithday
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared."Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
I applied for a job...
“I applied for a job as a weatherman, but my knowledge of meteorology was a little cloudy.”
Home for the Holidays
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
Sherlock Holmes in Heaven
Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal.""Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."
New York State of Mind
Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
