Popular jokes (10306 to 10320)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Time Traveler
A bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Another wife?
At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.
"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'
"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"
One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"
Knock Knock Collection 102
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jester!
Jester who?
Jester minute I'm trying to find my keys!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jethro!
Jethro who?
Jethro the boat and stop talking so much!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jewell!
Jewell who?
Jewell know if you open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jewell!
Jewell who?
Jewell remember me once you open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jilly!
Jilly who!
Jilly out here, so let me in!
Company picnic...
A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"
So Thor!
One day the norse god Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples amking out in a park. He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man. He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her. The girl replied "For THURE" and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck, so he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples. As her passions grew, she finally said, "wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!" so the left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course. After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says "hold up, i gotha go pith!" and she gets up to go use the bathroom. While she's gone Thor lies thinking to himself, "surely by now she realizes that I'm no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am". So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares "I'm THOR!" the exhausted girl lokks at him and yells "You're Thor, I'm tho thore that i cant even pith!!!
Feared Meeting
I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it.
The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
'I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy,' I told her.
'Oh,' she said. 'Say hi to Mommy for me.'
Company Buzz Words
New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Signs Your Burned Out
"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"
- You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
- Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
- Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
- You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
- You sleep more at work than at home.
- You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
- Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
Answering Machine Message 183
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
I Heard It
Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Little Johnny: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Little Johnny: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.
Hilarious jokes-Things to do in the toilet stall
1. Gina once stuck her palm open under the stall wall and asked her neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Jack said to nobody in particular "OMG, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Bobby would cheer and clap loudly every time somebody broke the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Patrick once said, "Well, I've never seen that color before."
5. Pablo, the practical joker, once dropped a marble and said, "Heavens!! My glass eye!!"
6. Tom said, "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Ryder grunted and strained real loud for 30 seconds and then dropped something into the toilet bowl from eight feet high..then sighed relaxingly.
8. Ryan said, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Bobby said, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Pablo once filled up a container with Mountain Dew, squirted it erratically under the stall walls of his neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Tom said, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."
12. Jack, using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and dropped it under the stall wall of his neighbor. Then said, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Bobby said "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Patrick said, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"
15. Ryan said, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Ryder played a well known drum cadence over and over again on his butt cheeks.
17. Before he unrolled toilet paper, Pablo conspicuously laid down his "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Patrick once lowered a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so he could see his neighbor and said, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Gina once dropped a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sang "Born Free"
20. Jack took a Snickers candy bar with him, squished it in his hand, reached under the stall wall and said "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
