Popular jokes (10306 to 10320)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Things that are difficult t
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you 're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now , as I have to work in the morning.
Far away in the tropical water
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawnswere swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & theother called Christian.The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened bysharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said toChristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted"& lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of beingeaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a sharkboring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away wheneverhe came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacingappearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again& he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him backinto a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changedback, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to hisfriends & bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't seehis old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to theenemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, heset off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. Hebanged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,come out & see me again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
Hair Balls
What's the leading cause of death among lesbians? Hair balls.Wife: "In my dream, I saw you
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
A small boy is sent to bed by ...
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad""What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"
Holiday Feast
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."
Spelling...
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
If at first you don't succeed,...
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.A Lawyer Goes To Heaven
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.'
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the lawyer sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'
The lawyer is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'
'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'
Password Reset
I’ve just reset my password to DelicateLuggageHandler...
I was told it had to be case-sensitive.
Denis Leary: Older Generation of Fun
Some kid took the time and the imagination to go down to the supermarket and figure out, if you take a whipped cream can container and you press the nozzle down just enough before the whipped cream comes out, some gas comes out -- you snort the gas, you get high for five seconds. We didnt have MTV. We had the f**king supermarket, thats what we had.I saved a bunch of money on ca
I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.The Buddha's Vacuum Cleaner
Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?A: Because he didn't have any attachments.
