Popular jokes (10291 to 10305)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Nate Bargatze: Comedy for the Troops
When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there theyre like, Look, its safe just dont draw attention to yourself. Dont wear American t-shirts and stuff. And youre like, All right thats fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?#joke
“A seaman is forging
“A seaman is forging ahead when he writes graffiti on bathroom walls.”
#joke #short
Blarney stone...
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
#joke #food
Birthday jokes-Present
Forget about the past, you can't change it.Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
#joke #short
Running on Motor Speedway on my John Deere
“I drove around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway on my John Deere. I was on a track tour.”
#joke #short
Q: What did the hurricane say
Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."
#joke #short
Really funny jokes-Boy baby
In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"
#joke
Funny jokes-No charge
Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."
Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."
The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."
Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."
The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."
#joke #short #policeman
A nun is sitting with her Moth
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting."I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
#joke #mother
After a night on the town, a y
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
#joke #drinks #alcohol
The story behind the letter be
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport,Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard andsends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them withscientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. Thisguy really exists!Anyway... here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institute. Bearthis in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respondto a difficult situation in writing.
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Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret toinform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusiveproof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million yearsago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, ofthe variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought tothe analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of uswho are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come tocontradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of thespecimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains aretypically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubiccentimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identifiedproto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent withthe common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Plioceneclams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses youhave submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seemsto weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, letus say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog haschewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request tohave the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load ourlab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating'snotorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best ofour knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior To 1956 AD, andcarbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National ScienceFoundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimenthe scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance ofyour proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the speciesname you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might beLatin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimento the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seemto accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director hasreserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimensyou have previously submitted to the Institute, and the entire staffspeculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the siteyou have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate yourtrip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, andseveral of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theoriessurrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in astructural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femuryou recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm SearsCraftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
