Popular jokes (10291 to 10305)

“Fan of musical puns,

“Fan of musical puns, Aria?”

There was this guy at a bar, j...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

The story behind the letter be

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport,Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard andsends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them withscientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. Thisguy really exists!
Anyway... here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institute. Bearthis in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respondto a difficult situation in writing.
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Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret toinform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusiveproof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million yearsago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, ofthe variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought tothe analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of uswho are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come tocontradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of thespecimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains aretypically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubiccentimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identifiedproto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent withthe common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Plioceneclams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses youhave submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seemsto weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, letus say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog haschewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request tohave the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load ourlab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating'snotorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best ofour knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior To 1956 AD, andcarbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National ScienceFoundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimenthe scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance ofyour proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the speciesname you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might beLatin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimento the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seemto accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director hasreserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimensyou have previously submitted to the Institute, and the entire staffspeculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the siteyou have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate yourtrip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, andseveral of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theoriessurrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in astructural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femuryou recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm SearsCraftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities

The Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is that, father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
"Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”
"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

Catholic School Whiz Kid

The teenage boy was not doing well at all in public school, so the parents decided that it would be time to send the lad to Catholic school for the year.
At the end of the term, sure enough the son's marks were straight As.
The parents were overjoyed and asked their son, "How did you improve so greatly? Are the nuns that much better teachers?"
"Not really better teachers," said the boy, "but everywhere I looked I saw a man nailed to the cross, and I knew they meant business here."

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."

Baby Planes

A mo...

Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying JetStar Airlines from Melbourne to Sydney. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because JetStar always pulls out on time, now have your mother explain that to you."

A Texan was taking a taxi tour

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

Thoughts To Ponder

Thoughts To Ponder
1. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
4. What disease did cured ham actually have?
5. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
6. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
7. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
8. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
9. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
10. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

After a series of tests, the 3...

After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife."

The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.

The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"

 Rules For Hunting Lawyers

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

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1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS

1.	Yellow Bellied Sidewinder	2
2.	Two-faced Tort Feasor	3
3.	Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator	5
4.	Big-mouthed Pub Gut	2
5.	Honest Attorney	EXTINCT
6.	Cut-throat	2
7.	Back-stabbing Whiner	2
8.	Brown-nosed Judge Kisser	2
9.	Silver-tongued Drug Defender	$100 bounty

Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and stabs himself to death.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over.
The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!"  

Ski season...

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list ofexercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer afterevery use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half ofyour head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smearedon the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessorybag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line themwith crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around yourtoes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend torun into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for ahamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride amotorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it'sin a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let thespray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until itmelts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed totake them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday untilit's time for the real thing!

 I Get No Respect 02

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

Pea Soup vs. Roast Beef

Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.