Popular jokes (10276 to 10290)

A small boy is sent to bed by ...

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad"
"What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"

Parent-teacher conference

When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

“For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk.”

“I don't understand,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Hallinan, our appointment is tomorrow.”

A woman is dancing happily dow

A woman is dancing happily down the railroad tracks, singing to herself "...21 ...21 ...21..." 
After a little while, an Antartian walks up to her. She observes for a minute and then asks, "What are you doing?" 
The woman does not answer and keeps singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." So the Antartian jumps on the tracks and follows her dancing and starts singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." A little later a train comes down the tracks. The woman jumps off, but the Antartian keeps dancing and singing to her self and gets hit by the train. 
The woman gets back on the track and starts dancing and singing again, "...22 ...22 ...22 ..."

Cowboy's Canine

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."

A man goes to see his bank man

A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"
"That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is buy a big one and wait."

These two guys meet after not ...

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

Denis Leary: Older Generation of Fun

Some kid took the time and the imagination to go down to the supermarket and figure out, if you take a whipped cream can container and you press the nozzle down just enough before the whipped cream comes out, some gas comes out -- you snort the gas, you get high for five seconds. We didnt have MTV. We had the f**king supermarket, thats what we had.

I saved a bunch of money on ca

I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

The Buddha's Vacuum Cleaner

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Running U.S. appliances on British current.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
S p a c e d o u t .
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Serving donuts on another planet.
Settled some during shipping and handling.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
She only packed half a sandwich.
She only schedules zombie processes.

A lion woke up one morning fee

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiestof all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is themightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiestanimal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who ismightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feelinglike it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corntortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollersafter the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don'thave to get so upset about it!"

Easter Egg Hunt

Every year I like to hide a dozen Easter Eggs in the house for the grand children.
This year my wife said "No Way" until I find the two unaccounted for eggs from last year.

Pride

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

The juggler....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Mid- life crisis

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?