Popular jokes (10336 to 10350)

There was this guy at a bar, j...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Four women were chatting in th...

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

“What is another name

“What is another name for Korean cuisine? Seoul food.”

 Know Because Of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
   
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
   
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
   
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
   
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
   
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
   
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
   
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
   
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
   
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
    
11. People of TV never finish their drinks.
    
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    
13. The chief of police is always black.
    
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
    
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
    
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
    
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
    
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
    
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
    
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
    
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
    
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
    
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
    
25. All single women have a cat.
    
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
    
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
    
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
    
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
    
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
    
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
    
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
    
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
    
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
    
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
    
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
    
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
    
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
    
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
    
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
    
41. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
    
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
    
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
    
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
    
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
    
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
    
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
    
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
    
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    

A Lions Heart

My grandfather has the heart of a lion...
... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Answering Machine Message 216

If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.

Hip pop dancersron

Hip pop dancers have dislocated pelvises.

“Today I spotted an a

“Today I spotted an albino dalmatian. Now everyone will be able to tell it's a dalmatian.”

If you live beneath a sewer, y

If you live beneath a sewer, you are destined for grateness.

Old Norse cuisine is simply...

Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.

 Rules For Hunting Lawyers

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

---

1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS

1.	Yellow Bellied Sidewinder	2
2.	Two-faced Tort Feasor	3
3.	Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator	5
4.	Big-mouthed Pub Gut	2
5.	Honest Attorney	EXTINCT
6.	Cut-throat	2
7.	Back-stabbing Whiner	2
8.	Brown-nosed Judge Kisser	2
9.	Silver-tongued Drug Defender	$100 bounty

Old Ladies' Noggins

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Q: Why doesn't Dracula have a

Q: Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
A: Because he is a pain in the neck.

A honeymooning couple had purc

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"

Wildebeest farts are a

Wildebeest farts are a gnu's scents.