Popular jokes (10666 to 10680)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
How things work at the Pearly Gates
St. Peter says to the old man, "I'll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry."
The old man begins, "I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs."
"That's good," says St. Peter. "I'll give you 3 points."
"Oh," says the man. "This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully."
"Fine," says St. Peter, "That will be another 2 points."
"Just 2 points?" says the old man. "All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them."
"Great!" says St. Peter. "Another 3 points for you!"
"Only three points!" says the man. "At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place."
"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's a hundred points! Come on in."
Does the Michelin Man get dres
Does the Michelin Man get dressed in evening a tire?Johnny: Teacher, can I go to t
Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?Teacher: Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: Okay, but I asked first!
A couple went on vacation to a...
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."
THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
An older couple were lying in
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
I got a bad haircut in Stockho
I got a bad haircut in Stockholm. Now I'm parting in such Swede sorrow.Scary Collection 63
A witch joke
Why won't a witch wear a flat caps?
Because there is no point in it!
A witch joke
What is black, old & ugly and has four wheels?
A witch on a skateboard!
A witch joke
What happens to witches when it rains?
They get wet!
A witch joke
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
Because there are so many witches sweeping the sky!
A witch joke
What do you call an old hag who lives by the sea?
A sandwitch!
A witch joke
What do you call a witch by the side of the road with her thumb out?
A witchhiker!
A witch joke
What's a witches favorite flower?
A triffid!
Pee in the pool....
Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.
"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis...When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
Blown/leaking head gasket.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Brain is running on empty.
Marriage...A childs perspective
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pre tty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
