Popular jokes (10681 to 10695)

Four old retired guys are walk

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
"Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Pennsylvania. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Plaster of Parish

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Ever Slept with an U

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"

The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

 Men And Computers

Q: Why are men like computers?
A: As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer you couldn't have gotten a better model!

“When you buy a cork

“When you buy a cork board, do you pay thumb tax?”

Parents

What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?

Parents.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

An Angry Wife

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

“That butane lighter

“That butane lighter may be stubborn, but it's no match for me!”

In his college days, Einstein

In his college days, Einstein had a psychedelic dream about hobbits being struck by lightning. He awoke and proclaimed to the world this discovery – of the Frodo-electric effect.

Two drunks were in a bar party

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

“The hardcore happy h

“The hardcore happy house dance club opened to rave reviews.”

Goat for dinner....

This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

An engineer dies and reports t...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 Cat Jokes 02

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A: A peeping tom!

Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?

A: Because he has sandy claws!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!