Popular jokes (10696 to 10710)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I went back to my home town a
I went back to my home town a decided to visit the house I grew up in.I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"
My parents can be so grouchy some times.
In the days leading up to Chri
In the days leading up to Christmas, people in San Francisco did everything they could to avoid the mauls, as they were a real zoo. The only people who weren't worried were lawyers with an escape claws.I use particle physics textboo
I use particle physics textbooks as roof shingles, because I'm quantum-plating my existence.Language Barrer
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
There are two blondes and a br
There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each.The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski." With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."
Answering Machine
Q: What did the guy's carphone answering machine say?
A: "Hi, I'm home right now so I can't take your call."
Where Did She Go?
An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home. “How are you?” the visitor asked. “Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?”“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked.“No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.Baldness...
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."
Hourse Rider
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.
Editted by Curtis
An elderly gentleman went to t
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacistto fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
On their way to get married, a...
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Quiet
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
