Popular jokes (10696 to 10710)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
From South Dakota
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old man. Above the old man was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"The young man watched a cowboy approach the old man and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The man says, "Yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!"
The old man looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "You're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the old man and goes through the same routine.
Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the old man looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The old man says, "You're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the old man a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them, dries them off and puts on a coat of polish. He walks up to the old man, hands over a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff!"
The old man looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the old geezer. Finally, the old man says, "You're from South Dakota!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the old guy could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from South Dakota?"
The old man replies, "By the wool on your zipper!"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures."
The eminent financier was disc
The eminent financier was discoursing."The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people want."
"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."
The financier shook his head contemptuously.
"No, to corner it."
A distraught older woman is lo...
A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"
The top ten reasons nipple rin...
The top ten reasons nipple rings for women are a GOOD idea:#10. They gain a new appreciation and a "much" higher threshold for pain.
#9. Give them more than just their purse to keep from losing their car keys.
#8. A little body english and a short copper wire; they pick up pay-per-view for free.
#7. They can now jump car batteries without those hard to roll up cables"
#6. A cheap spin table and spot light let's them earn extra cash renting out to Club parties"
#5. They'll no longer have to worry about those nasty stretch marks being the focus of everyone's attention at the nude beach.
#4. They'll always have a ready replacement when they lose their wedding ring.
#3. They can sleep comfortably knowing every elf in the universe is now their loyal friend for life.
#2. Hanging "ten" is childÂ’s play. Hanging "by two"??? Now thatÂ’s impressive.
#1. Hard vibrators are now "way more" than a girl's best friend...
PAINTING THE PORCH
...PAINTING THE PORCH
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Porshe.
A teacher in a political scien...
A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"A student answered, "The First Pet?"
The teacher then asked, "Why?"
The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."
Glass Eye
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye
High Holidays Seating Request Form
During the last Yom Kippur High Holiday, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
- I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section - If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
___ The cantor's significant other
___ The rabbi�s significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ My neighbors
___ My relatives
___ My neighbors' relatives
___ Presidential Election, results from
___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ My children/grandchildren
___ Other:_______________________________ - Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
__ Doctor
__ Dentist
__ Nutritionist
__ Psychiatrist
__ Child psychiatrist
__ Podiatrist
__ Chiropractor
__ Stockbroker
__ Accountant
__ Lawyer, General Practice
__ Criminal Lawyer
__ Civil Lawyer
__ Real estate agent
__ Architect
__ Plumber
__ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
__ Sexologist (??)
__ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
__ Other:____________________________ - I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
__ On the aisle
__ Near the exit
__ Near the window
__ In Aruba
__ Near the bathroom
__ Near my in-laws
__ As far away from my in-laws as possible
__ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
__ Near the pulpit
__ Near single men
__ Near available women
__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
__ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
__ Where I can text from my iPhone (SHHHH) - (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza - Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
this change): $________________________
Reincarnation Surprise
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
the fence
an eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you."Yes she says : I remember it well"
Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake"
Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen,
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes'She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,
Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has leaned somthing about life that he diden't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,
The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was somthing else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
" No , there's no secret " the old man says,
" fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
The Big Mount Everest
I built a model of Mount Everest.
My son asked, “Is it to scale?”
I replied, “No... it’s to look at.”
