Popular jokes (10711 to 10725)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESSWe will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
From,
THE MANAGEMENT
A young boy, about eight years
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do."Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
Businessman Is Dying
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
Q: Why did the man take toilet
Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?A: Because he was a party pooper.
Paintings
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
Engineers & Light Bulbs
Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Everyday, Chuck Norris goes fo...
Everyday, Chuck Norris goes for a short walk, just to keep the planet spinning.It's all in the marketing...
An inter-office softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."
The Rabbit
A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
The birth of Eve
God asks asks Adam how he's doing, - "Well, it's ok but I am abit lonely".
"Ok" God answers. - "Let's do something about it. I can give you the most wonderful and satisfactory being and friend you'll ever need you'll never be lonely again, and you'll have everything you ever need".
"But it means I need your arm and leg to create that being".
Adam ponders and isn't willing to sacrifice his arm and leg. -"Ok" God says again.
"With only your leg, I can make a nice and welcoming partner for you, giving you no grief only happiness"
Adam ponders again - he is rather lonely but really wants his leg.
"What can I get for one of my rib bones ?" Adam finally replies
Jerk Of The Highway
A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked,"Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?"
The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said,
"Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?"
Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said,
"Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?"
"Registration and license please" came the reply.
Policeman: "Did you get the li...
Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"
A man working with an electric...
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.""But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
