Popular jokes (10711 to 10725)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Helpful Priest
A priest is walking down the street one day when he noticesa very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across
the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across
the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing
his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives
the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's
level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now
what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A man and his wife were drivin
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop and the next gasoline station and fill up."What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments..."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."
Three Days After Easter
Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday." From EasterHumor.comBeans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."
You might be a redneck if 61
You might be a reneck if...You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).
Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.
The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
You don't know what a redneck is.
You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You thought ER was ET's cousin.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.
One sunny day in Ireland, two
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says, "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says, "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin," came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street."
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162," the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon."
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks, "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."
Why Karaoke is better than sex...
- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.
- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.
- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.
- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.
- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.
- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.
- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.
Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away."See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Name The States
Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more.
Not impressed, Mr Jones told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days there were only 13!"
A wife catches her husband mas
A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.The husband: "Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!"
The Biology Song 05
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: "Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing")
Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesn't cure it
Other people's sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.
Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease
Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
