Popular jokes (10726 to 10740)

Faith in the future

“The mad scientist's faith in the future of autonomous cyber-canines was dogmatic.”

“The chef said it wou

“The chef said it would be rare moment if the waiter returned a steak with a burning issue after being so tender cooking it.”

A new CEO takes over...

A new CEO takes over at a struggling startup business and decides to get rid of all the employees that are slacking. On a tour of the office, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the new CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why do you ask?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out right now and don’t come back.”
The young man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out of the office.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”
From across the room comes a loud voice, “Yes, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

Off duty....

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

ISIS wine cri

ISIS wine critics are always shouting “Curse the Zinfandels!”

In his college days, Einstein

In his college days, Einstein had a psychedelic dream about hobbits being struck by lightning. He awoke and proclaimed to the world this discovery – of the Frodo-electric effect.

“My sister fell in lo

“My sister fell in love with a circus trapeze artist. At first, we all thought she was attracted to his net worth, but she said it was his gravity-defying leaps of thought. They are both flying high now.”

Pimple Head

Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.

The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead!"

Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely."

Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"

The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."

Two antennas met on a roof, fe

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

Jill: I just don't understand

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf has for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into the trees?"

Break in....

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!"

Thanksgiving Blessings

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

1. If it is all the same to yo

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Dodgers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step-mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my jobuntil there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

A Hawaii woodpecker and a Cali

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about whichplace had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a treethat no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted hischallenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. TheHawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to pecka tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiianwoodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked thetree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californianwoodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpeckerwas able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peckthe tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

True or false...

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."