Popular jokes (10921 to 10935)

My friend William moved to Ire

My friend William moved to Ireland, and now he's a Billy in Eire.

Fairy Godmother

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat.

He walked up the the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat."

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, and whisky for the cat."

The barman was curious about this and said, "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?"

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."

"What did you wish for?" said the barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

The Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years.

The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

“The geneticist taugh...

“The geneticist taught his students how to mendel defective genes.”

Polar Bear

2 polarbers are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polarbear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polarbear are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your monther. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I dont know about u but I am freezing"

Funny jokes-LA Police woman

Reggie : Do you know about this LA police woman who works part-time as a stripper?
Archie: Well, I do hear about some people having double identities.
Reggie: You know this LA policewoman's t-shirt says,
"LAPD" on the front
and
"ANCE" on the back.

There were three men who got s

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.
The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.
The first man brought ten apples.
The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.
The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.
Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"
The second man says, "I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples."

Church members...

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Adult jokes-That kinda guy

Cure for lateness

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!”

“That's all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

A Problemic Polemic

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Who knows why the heck they do anything?

Jeff Dunham: Becoming a Wal-Mart Greeter

Walter: I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day.

THE DRUNK

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

My friend knows that a bon mot

My friend knows that a bon mot is like a secret magical password. ‘Oh, pun!', says ami.

Where Do You Want to Go?

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" they all piped up.

"And what do you have to do to get there?"

They said, "Be dead!"