Popular jokes (10921 to 10935)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Daniel Kilpatrick: Pimp My Ride
For those of you over the age of 25, Pimp My Ride is a show where they take people with bad cars like mine and they give them all this stuff that they dont need. Like, if I went on that show, Id have very simple instructions. Id be like, Hey, I dont need a hot tub or a water slide or a popcorn maker or an ice machine or a place to perform surgery in my Cutlass. Fix my reverse.What is a dermatologist...
What is a dermatologist's favourite holiday season?A: Eczemas.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Carpets and Choir Robes
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Announcement: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
A farmer walks into a lawyer's...
A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"“I read this book abo
“I read this book about Mount Everest. It was quite the cliff hanger.”
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Ham sandwich with mustard...
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard!
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
Look at Superman's abs.
Look at Superman's abs. The guy is krypt.Eugene Mirman: Pineapple Dog House Red
I dont speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I was in a situation where I had to be like, Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library? -- no problem.What's your name?
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Entire Wikipedia
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything.
Going Fishing
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go
fishing.'"
