Popular jokes (1096 to 1110)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A man moves into a n*dist colo...
A man moves into a n*dist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a n*dist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"
An Irishman, an Italian, and a...
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
Life is too short to be serious
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and i will laugh at you. Bowling ball humor
I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.
Love My Wife
To show my wife how much I love her I bought her a beautiful diamond ring...
I had it engraved with the cost.
Talking Frog
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Flying Her Broom
A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"
Getting tough
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulders muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, he would extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile, he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks. Finally, he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
Self help...
A man walks into a book store and asks the clerk if she could tell him where the "self-help" area is.
She replied, "Of course I can, but that would defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it?"
WORST HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS...
WORST HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS FOR A RETIREMENT HOME EVER Few funny short jokes
My plan for tomorrow is to go with the wife to get us both some new glasses…
After that, we'll see!
I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water...
Schwepped her off her feet!
Did you hear about the bloke that always got angry when he was out of bread for breakfast?
He was lack-toast intolerant!
Everything rhymes
A hillbilly father is sitting on his porch, shotgun in hand as his three daughters are about to start dating.
The first boy comes up the steps and says to him : "Hi I'm Eddy, I'm her for Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
The father looks at the harmless boy and yells up "Betty your date's here," and the two take off for the restaurant.
The second boy then comes up the steps and says to him: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The father looks at the harmless boy and yells up "Flo, your date's here," and the two take off for the movie theater.
The third boy then comes up the steps. "Hi I'm Rex" BLAM!!!
Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be you
Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be you, because life is too short to be anything but happy. Blue Balls
A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said Phil."My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor.
"Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to Jill.
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?
"Grape."
