Popular jokes (11191 to 11205)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Now That's A Dry Spell
Occasionally you hear about a really dry spell in Texas.
I always thought the stories exaggerated until I got a birthday card last week.
They attached the stamp with a staple.
What's the Quickest Way?
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland. He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Marystown?"
The local, scratched his head, "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way."
The Perfect Poem...
I have a spelling checker,It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea;
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A Parrots Tale...
<...A Parrots Tale...
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"S**t," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this...How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is; nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began touching all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nightie and began to kiss her all over....."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Who knows. I fell off my perch."
Dear John Letter
Contributed by Bob Mountcastle
The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends, all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes
Next mood swing: 6 minutesI hate everybody, you're next.
And your point is.............?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
You have the right to remain silent so please use it!
If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.
A man goes to a shrink and say
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?""Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
I can't believe I made it any
I can't believe I made it anywhere creatively, though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents. Nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, sh*t on their dreams a little bit.Robert Schmidt 09
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable TV.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.
Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
Cannibals like to de l
Cannibals like to de leg ate.Hear that the Mafia is trying
Hear that the Mafia is trying to lose its tough-guy image?A man goes to see a wizard and
A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."Limbo Champion
A limbo champion walks into a bar......and loses his title.
