Popular jokes (11206 to 11220)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Dead Rabbit
One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbour's daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the neighbour's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"
A man awoke one evening to dis...
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said, "Are they in your house?"
He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.
The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.
"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"
Within seconds, there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"
The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
One Monday evening Jessica fou
One Monday evening Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby's cot. Silently she watched him. As Mike twisted and turned looking at at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike's face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and skepticism.Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes. Jessica put her her arm around her husband and asked, "A penny for your thoughts."
"It's amazing!" Mike replied, "I just can't work out how Kiddicare are able to make a cot like that for only $49.99."
A guy walks into a bar and dem...
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
What would you like for your birthday....
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
How does it work that
My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits into her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit into my pants from 2 weeks ago?
Money Under The Pillow
"I wonder why old man Smith puts all his savings under his pillow every night?"
"Maybe he wants people to know that he has enough money to retire on?"
Q: What did the green grape sa...
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
College Professor
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
On the night of their honeymoo
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."Sausage Factory
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages." The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
Malingerer: a...
Malingerer: a kid who hangs out in shopping centers.Fairy Godmother
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat.He walked up the the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat."
He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, and whisky for the cat."
The barman was curious about this and said, "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?"
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."
"What did you wish for?" said the barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
After being away on business,
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift."How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
