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From the Blonde Files #22 of 6,234,676
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
“My idea for a hoverc
“My idea for a hovercraft robot vacuum cleaner never really took off.”
After I gave my childhood torm
After I gave my childhood tormentor a wedgie I was accused of acting unfashion a bully.Todd Barry: Summer School
I never understood the concept of summer school. The teacher's going to go up there and go, 'OK, class, you know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks.'There was a young fellow who w
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
It's easy to sabotage a
It's easy to sabotage a peaceful protest among my Arabic relatives. It's like taking Gandhi from habibi.Church Bulletin Bloopers: Carpets and Choir Robes
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Announcement: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
One day a cowboy walked into a
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
Three Wishes from a Genie
The pastoral associate, the associate pastor, and the pastor are taking a shortcut to a meeting. As they walk through a vacant lot, the trio stumbles on an ancient oil lamp. On a lark they rub it, and to their amazement a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish.The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, lolling in the sun without a care!” The genie waves his hand and she disappears in a puff of smoke.The associate pastor jumps up and says, “I want to be walking through the halls of the Vatican, marveling at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.” He too disappears.Scowling, the pastor says to the genie,” I want t hose two back in time for the meeting.”A guy walked into a little cor
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.Moses Negotiates the Commandments
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air.
For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass.The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands.
"Friends," he said. "Friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of—and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from 15 to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."
