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Popular jokes (11221 to 11235)

Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system.

I sang my children to sleep. D

I sang my children to sleep. Does that make me a kid napper?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Addicted to the net

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

One cannibal to another: Your ...

One cannibal to another: Your wife makes a great soup. Second cannibal: Yes! But I'm going to miss her terribly.
#joke #short #food #soup
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

The Coke Machine

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up.

"Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

#joke #blonde #drinks #coke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.85/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (20)

“I had a broken bone

“I had a broken bone once, it just cracked me up.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

"How come you're late?" asked

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitresswalked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and therewas a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lyingin the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took thatfirst-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

“When the lumber baro...

“When the lumber baron was unable to log in, his business ended in a forced shut down!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

Careful how you slice up that

Careful how you slice up that wild game carcass: You don't want to make a big moose steak!
#joke #short #food #steak
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

 Dumb Alabama Laws


  • It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
  • Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
  • You may not drive barefooted.
  • It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
  • It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
  • Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
  • Masks may not be worn in public.
  • Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
  • Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
  • Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
  • It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
  • Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
  • Incestous marriages are legal.
  • It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
  • You must have windshield wipers on your car.
  • You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

    Anniston


  • You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

    Jasper


  • It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

    Lee County


  • It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

    Mobile


  • It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
  • It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

    Montgomery


  • It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

    #joke #animal #horse #bear #food #salt #peanuts #divorce
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

    Name that bird...

    Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

    The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

    Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

    Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

    With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

    Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

    #joke #animal #bird
    Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
    • Currently 7.54/10

    Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

    An elderly couple was attendin

    An elderly couple was attending church services whenabout halfway through she leans over and says to him,"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you thinkI should do?"
    He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new batteryin your hearing aid..."
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
    • Currently 8.25/10

    Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

     Fish Jokes 06


    Why are gold fish orange?

    The water makes them rusty!

    Who held the baby octopus to ransome?

    Squidnappers!

    What part of a fish weighs the most?

    It's scales!

    What fish do road-menders use?

    Pneumatic krill!

    What happens when sharks take their clothes off?

    They go sharkers!

    What game do fish like playing the most?

    Name that tuna!

    What do naked fish play with?

    Bare-a-cudas!

    What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?

    An electric shark!

    Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?

    Jack the kipper!

    What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?

    Whale of fortune!


    #joke #animal #dolphin #shark #whale #octopus #fish #fruit #orange
    Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

    A champion jockey is about to ...

    A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 
    "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". 
    The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 
    They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 
    At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. 
    The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 
    "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?" 
    The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!" 
    #joke #animal #horse
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
    • Currently 6.42/10

    Rating: 6.4/10 (12)

    Candy factories rely on ron...

    Candy factories rely on sweet shop labour.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
    • Currently 3.50/10

    Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

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