Popular jokes (1126 to 1140)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The doctor said...
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Converting a Bear
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShinwaNate
A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…
A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time.He sees the price is $10 but when he goes to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“What’s this 65 cents about?” He asks. The cashier says “it’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”
Fresh short jokes and puns
I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
RIP boiled water
you will be mist
What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!
Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"
Can February March?
No, but April May.
I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.
I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!
Pretending to be happy
Pretending to be happy: Raise your hand if you have been acting like you are all ok, but inside you are really not. My beautiful family
I always wanted to win the lottery. But when i looked at my beautiful family, i realized i already have. Build Me Up
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...
And finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.
Computer Chess
A computer once beat me at chess...
But it was no match for me at kickboxing!
All of his life Len from Cape...
All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."
How to Make Holy Water
Q: How did the bishop make holy water? A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
Two dumb fishermen
Two fishermen, Paul and Jim, decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.
Paul said, Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,
Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.
With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.
Fact or fiction?
Fact or fiction (you make the call):
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.
3. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.
7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.
9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!
10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.
13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.
14. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.
Kathleen Madigan: Smoking in Public
I was out last Sunday -- I didnt see any signs, nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette. This woman lost all control of her bodily functions. Put it out, please, put it out. I turned around -- she was three pews away! 
