Popular jokes (1171 to 1185)

Fly spray

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

Found on Fly spray funny joke - The Spoof , published on Tuesday, 16 December 2008 by Rusty

Photo by Sian Cooper on Unsplash

How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years

with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's

referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The

doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across

my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing

right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you

know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache

for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp

muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my

wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs

together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve

the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and

come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you

feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache

since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.

And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Spent Youth

Told my daughter at 20 to get a job or sleep in the garage...
20 years later she has done wonders with the garage!

Travel jokes

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

What happens when you wear a watch on a plane?
Time flies!

I wanted to make a joke about time travel,
but you guys didn’t like it.

Why don't aliens visit our planet?
It has terrible ratings. Just one star.

The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…
it was a little plan

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

The airline lost my luggage, so I sued them.
Unfortunately, I lost the case.

As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel.
'Excuse me,' I shouted.
'That’s my suitcase.'
The man shot back defensively,
'Well, somebody took mine!'

My favourite childhood memory is my parents paying for my holidays.

I'm actually a very nice person

I'm actually a very nice person… Until you piss me off.

We all have times when life feels hard

We all have times when life feels hard; when we’re frustrated and tired and just want to hide away. If that’s you right now, don’t worry – every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you’ll soon find your wings again. In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs. You are so loved.
~Anna Taylor

 Are You Talking To Me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

My lesbian neighbors gave me a...

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Going on vacation

A man is talking to his friend and he says: "I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do."

His buddy asks: "Why?"

And the man says: "Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was Paris. I came back and my wife was pregnant again."

His buddy asks: "So what are you going to do differently this year?"

And the guy says: "Well, this year I'm going to bring my wife."

Few new short jokes for Friday

I just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni…

I love my job.
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd.

I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.
This is their current induction process.

Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?
I made myself a sandwich earlier.

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.

I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.

Love

"Would you continue to love me if I were completely bald?" she asked.
"Absolutely, my dear," he answered.

"What if I had no ears? Would you still love me?"
"Just as much as I do now, sweetheart."

"What if I had no arms at all?"
"Even then, my love."

"What if I had no toes?"
"Ew, no!"

"What?!?"
"Darling, you know I'm lack-toes intolerant"

Two Eagles, an old Indian chie...

Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute...
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

The CEO calls a young employee into his office...

The CEO calls a young employee into his office.

CEO: When you joined the company, you were just an intern. Within a year, I promoted you from intern to associate, from associate to manager, and from manager to senior manager. I keep promoting you because I recognized your talent and hard work. Today, I’ve called you in to tell you that I’m preparing to promote you to vice president. Do you have anything to say?”

The young man replies, “Thanks.”

CEO: “Thanks? Is that really all you have to say to me?”

After thinking for a while, the young man finally spoke:

“Thanks, Dad.”

At school, Little Johnny was t...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makesit very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know thewhole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." Thefather promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets himby saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

It was Christmas Eve. A woman...

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"