Popular jokes (14746 to 14760)

A woman walked up to a little ...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

Little Johnny and the math teacher...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

Kiss

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.” speaker replied,

“You don’t know my wife. The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”

Worried about their less than

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

Religious Symbols on the Rocks

Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

A woman was chatting with her

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor."I feel really good today. I started out thismorning with an act of unselfish generosity.I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That'sa lot of money to just give away. What did yourhusband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing todo. He said, 'Thanks.'"

Hideous mutants rarely eat tog

Hideous mutants rarely eat together. There is no such thing as a freak lunch.

When a singing bird wakes me,

When a singing bird wakes me, I'm like “This means warble.”

“Price of top of the

“Price of top of the range range-hoods goes through the roof!!”

Grammar 101

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

“So what if I don't

“So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!”

Cutting Stone

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?
Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

Disney Cruise Delays

The Top 10 Reasons Disney Delayed Launching Their Cruise Line

1. Pluto's "accident" on Deck 3
   
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
   
3. Exterminator killed off "rat" problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie's cousins.
   
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
   
5. Charo kept showing up.
   
6. The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" kept eating the midnight buffet.
   
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the "You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride" Requirements.
   
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.
   
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
   
10. New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is not as "exciting and new" as their last one.
    

This guy was having a problem

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment.
"Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude."
"What's the problem?" his friend asks.
"To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

In Saudi Arabia, it is punisha

In Saudi Arabia, it is punishable by death to eat the mail. You'll be declared a post ate.